Mending the Line

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

~Haruki Murakami

Last night was a rough one.

I have been sleeping pretty well recently which is an unusual joy for me, but last night was filled with unpleasant "PTSDreams" that woke me - again and again.

This week is a medical visit and test week which I always find unnerving and is a trigger for my PTSD - the feeling of helplessness and waiting.

And there has been a lot of waiting in trepidation in my life from waiting alone in an empty room for my mother to come and dole out my punishment for being born, to waiting alone on a Marine Corps security post for the attack to come from the Islamic Jihad, to waiting alone in an emergency room with leads on my chest as they prepared me for the MRI to see how much damage was done to my concussed head. Always, there is waiting alone and a sense of helplessness and some dreaded outcome.

But the brutal beatings and the attempted bombings and the many patch ups that have been done on my high-mileage bio-vehicle have been part my journey - just like morning coffee and birdsong, love in the afternoon, and good food, wine, and laughter in the evening.

It's just life for an Imperfect Texan Buddha and Warrior -Poet who has been "destroyed" again and again but has never been defeated.

It is in hardship that we are all defined.

I recognize my my many broken places but choose my response to them.

Do you?

It takes practice and, I am always relearning what I've always known.

As I write this it is the morning after the night that left me disquieted and unrested - but I am counting my many blessings.

And now I am sipping my glorious Peruvian coffee while watching the chickadees, wrens, titmice, cardinals, and finches at my feeder and the black chinned hummingbirds hovering over my pollinator gardens.

I am living a grateful life.

No matter our hardship we all have reasons to be grateful as long as we are breathing.

Let's all be resolved to get stronger and more brilliant at our broken places and to allow the light to shine in between the cracks.

Even on a cloudy day, there is Joy in the promise of raindrops and wildflowers.